Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It's Finally Here!!!

Well my college graduation is 4 days away! Where has all the time gone? It seems like yesterday Britny and I were sitting in our dorm room freshman year and saying "What are we going to do now?", after our parents left us! 4 years ago my plans for myself were so different then they are now. I came to TWU for dental hygiene and I am graduating with an Elementary Education degree. I figured I would be engaged and almost married to the amazing man God has given me! :) I am still paitently waiting for that one. The only thing that even still resembles 4 years ago is the gas prices! Praise the Lord for that!

I thought when I graduated I would be ecstatic! It is more bitter sweet then I ever imagined. I find myself bursting into tears at the drop of a hat in fear of the future. I am a planner by nature so sending out 20 resumes and not hearing a response is un-nerving to me! Jonas has to constantly remind me that I am much stronger then I am acting and I have never been alone nor will I ever be alone. I know I have to give it all to God and know he will provide me with the job he has in store! Why in the world am I doubting and worried? He has never dropped me before! Needless to say my worldly nature is definetly conflicting with my faith...

Sunday, October 12, 2008


I feel this characteristic consuming me from time to time. As life seems to be passing me by I feel myself becoming anxious. I feel like I am in this pause or weird living purgatory... I am not catholic and I don't believe in purgatory for the afterlife. But I don't know any other way to describe it. I feel time going by quickly but its like I am standing still watching it all pass me. I am very anxious to graduate and see where life takes me next but for the first time I haven't been able to see my next step... Garland is not a place that I like to be... I miss everything about Denton and that area... I miss Jonas and my friends... I miss church and I am not talking about Sunday school and a topical sermon...I talking about prayer consumed sermons of God's word. Not bits and pieces of the Bible put to a certain topic to make it sound good. I have a hunger for that and nothing around me feeding and encouraging it...

I love my friends dearly... I have been blessed with some of the sweetest women ever. Sometimes though, I feel like I am a lot older then everyone around me. Someone once told me I have a spiritual gift to see through people. I can talk with a person and know their heart pretty quickly. At the same time I have the gift of compassion and a heart to mend. This person told me it was going to be a battle that I was going to deal with. I have some people in my life that I love dearly but they are so set in their ways and self consumed. Is it wrong of me to want to get away from that or should I stay to mend it. I think it was said the best as "sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same". I am probably going to let some of those people fade. I can't help them anymore nor do I have the energy to try... They need a higher power then me.

I have been taking care of everyone else my whole life. Is it wrong of me to want someone to take care of me for a change? I think thats what I am looking forward to the most. Being around people who encourage me. I know my Lord is always taking care of me and I know its not about this world or about people. But it is the physical act I am longing for. With everyone around me getting married I get so down and jealous! I blame Jonas mostly but it is not his fault. I know its all about timing. So I wait...faulty and impatient.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


I have been looking at the picture I took of the flower with the word "joy" carved into a stone. That picture is a true symbol of how I perceive joy. Joy in the picture is a blur next to the flower. Artistically it makes for a beautiful picture. The flower is simply a distraction to the beauty and gracious gift called joy! But is that really what joy is all about? A blur next to life?

Recently, I have let life distract me and rob me of my joy. I am very grateful to have a man next to me who is not afraid to call me out when I am being ridiculous. Jonas has been extremely frustrated with me lately because I let everything get me down. I worry too much and ignore the beauty and joy that is right in front of me. This truly is not in my nature and it is tearing me up that I have been acting like this. I have sooooo much to be joyful of. I should boast in the joy of the cross! God has been abundantly gracious to me and I thank him by being pessimistic. What a slap in the face it must be to him! Not only is it a slap in the face to God but to Jonas as well. I don't get to see him as much as I used to. I spent 2 1/2 days with him this weekend and half of it was spent in self-pity instead of shear gratitude and celebration for being blessed with such an amazing man and inspiration.

The devil is conniving and clever. He preys on our insecurities and pushes us into the trap of our sin-nature. Most people wouldn't consider the disregard of joy a sin. Unfortunately, when we do not boast in the cross and deny the blessings God gives us, we are slapping our gracious Creator in the face. I don't think I am alone in this battle. This is something I am genuinely struggling with. If God brings me to your mind as you pray; pray I can find my joy and boast in the Glory of the Lord.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

So far...

I started student teaching a week ago and it has been pretty fun so far. I will certainly NOT be teaching the rest of my life. Its fun and I love the kids but I am still so excited about working in a church!!! I had to do an all about me page with the kids and fill one out myself. It was quite funny when I came to the question "What career would you like?" HAHA I am sitting up there teaching kids and I am not going to teach. I looked at Mindy and she laughed and was like " Tell them the truth!" That was fun "Well, I am getting my degree in teaching but I really want to work in a church." Lucky, they all have a touch of ADD and forgot 10 seconds later. There are a lot of things that I would certainly fail at as a teacher! I am a push over for snaggle teeth and droopy faces! Kids can manipulate me in a heart beat. I am really good when it comes to multi tasking in an office. I can make a sale, talk on the phone, and organize a schedule all at the same time. But...stick me in an environment where I have to organize EVERY child's thoughts, EVERY child's binder, follow all of the policies, procedures, and standards, time manage every single word, and keep the patience to not pull all of my hair out if not a child's, EVERY SINGLE DAY...I would undoubtedly be certifiably crazy after 2 weeks. Soooo if you think the military, camp ministry, or digging ditches is hard...go teach for a day! You will have more respect for that teacher then your own mother! Next time you see an educator...give them a hug...they need it!

I have learned a lot through this so far. I have respect for a lot of people including children. They deserve the same respect we do and they recognize us giving respect to others. It is sad how we forget that one or two encouraging words will brighten someones spirit or even a hug! Sanity is not black or white...there is a gray area...teachers reside there! Positive feedback can make or break someone. A quick prayer to start your day and little ones throughout can make all the difference in the world!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Here it goes...

I just got back from an amazing 3 month journey. For those of you that don't know, I have spent the last 3 months at Riverbend Retreat Center. Riverbend is a Baptist encampment in Glen Rose, TX. Churches from all over the state of Texas and some from elsewhere come there for youth, preteen, and children's camps. Missions have never been something I had a passion for. Don't get me wrong I have done my share of mission trips and volunteer work and experienced God's work in all of them, but I have never done anything this long term. We worked long, hard days behind the scenes providing a stress free atmosphere so campers and counselors could solely focus on the work God was doing. This truly shows you what foot-washing is all about. I have never scrubbed so many toilets or swept and mopped so many square feet in my life. After it is all said and done, I am truly grateful for every "Code 4" (clogged toilet) and thousands of slushies I made. This job made me realize that when you are working on God's team no job is greater than the other. This is something that will impact me for as long as I live. If you ever want to experience this first hand you let me know! I will gladly take you out to volunteer!

Through the work and the hustle and bustle of a 7AM- 9PM,10PM,11PM,and sometimes even 12Am job, I have never felt God move so much in my heart. I was forced to deal with a lot of harsh reality while being out there. God has been teaching me patience in a lot of different areas one BIG area in particular. He has taught me, there is a lot about my character that I need to change and perfection isn't something attainable ( as much as I think I need it). He has taught me that guarding your heart, while sometimes very good, can also be very bad. He taught me that discernment is a gift that I need to learn to control. I have learned blessings are given daily and denying blessings is painfully sinful. I learned that as long as you bathe your hardships in prayer God WILL give you peace.

I could go on and on about God's amazing grace and the work He has done in my heart. I am grateful to have a God who loves EVERYONE unfailingly. I am going to try my hardest to "lean not on my own understanding", "pray without seizing", and "rely on the love God has for us". So in the words of Big Daddy Weave...

I’m giving up, I’m letting go
Of everything that I’ve held onto
I’m giving up, I’m letting go
Of everything that I’ve let hold me
Far too long (for so long) Lord I know
I need to give You full control
Help me give up and let go

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Garland, Texas, United States

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