Sunday, October 12, 2008

Impatience...

I feel this characteristic consuming me from time to time. As life seems to be passing me by I feel myself becoming anxious. I feel like I am in this pause or weird living purgatory... I am not catholic and I don't believe in purgatory for the afterlife. But I don't know any other way to describe it. I feel time going by quickly but its like I am standing still watching it all pass me. I am very anxious to graduate and see where life takes me next but for the first time I haven't been able to see my next step... Garland is not a place that I like to be... I miss everything about Denton and that area... I miss Jonas and my friends... I miss church and I am not talking about Sunday school and a topical sermon...I talking about prayer consumed sermons of God's word. Not bits and pieces of the Bible put to a certain topic to make it sound good. I have a hunger for that and nothing around me feeding and encouraging it...

I love my friends dearly... I have been blessed with some of the sweetest women ever. Sometimes though, I feel like I am a lot older then everyone around me. Someone once told me I have a spiritual gift to see through people. I can talk with a person and know their heart pretty quickly. At the same time I have the gift of compassion and a heart to mend. This person told me it was going to be a battle that I was going to deal with. I have some people in my life that I love dearly but they are so set in their ways and self consumed. Is it wrong of me to want to get away from that or should I stay to mend it. I think it was said the best as "sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same". I am probably going to let some of those people fade. I can't help them anymore nor do I have the energy to try... They need a higher power then me.

I have been taking care of everyone else my whole life. Is it wrong of me to want someone to take care of me for a change? I think thats what I am looking forward to the most. Being around people who encourage me. I know my Lord is always taking care of me and I know its not about this world or about people. But it is the physical act I am longing for. With everyone around me getting married I get so down and jealous! I blame Jonas mostly but it is not his fault. I know its all about timing. So I wait...faulty and impatient.

1 comment:

Lambert Mom said...

Jill,
I admire the honest of your blog. I must admit I have been in your exact spot. Bill and I dated for what seemed like and eternity, then my friends started getting engaged and married and here I was...waiting for that perfect time. I selfishly would blame him and put the pressure on him, because that should be me DANGIT! WEll, that perfect time did coem and it was worth it. I felt so silly for wanting his proposal to be on MY time. His time was perfect! I feel the same way right now about church too. Northlake is just not giving me the spiritual fullfillment I need. Change is hard and you might lose those that seem so important now. However, deeper and more passionate friendships are waiting for you. Follow Him!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I love reading your blog!!

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